If I took one thing away from this film, it’s that anyone can write a Hollywood blockbuster – even a 4-year-old child. The writing in this film is on another level of bad. The first film feels awfully generic in its writing, like a bad superhero film from the early 2000s but this clusterfuck of a script is something else. Let’s start with the god-awful tone. I wasn’t a fan of the quippy back and forth between Venom and Eddie in the first movie and it’s safe to say my opinion of that didn’t change with this film. It’s just so unfunny to me. Clearly people enjoyed it, there was enough of them in my screening, but their jokes get tiresome after the first 5 minutes. Venom wants to eat someone’s, Eddie says no, ha ha joke.
The subject matter they’re dealing with isn’t inherently funny, a killer parasite has taken over someone’s body and wants to kill people. Now not saying that this means the film must be void of humour, however in this film every single scene is played out like a joke, and an extremely unfunny one at that. The Venom films reek of executives making script suggestions, not to enhance the quality of the film, but to enhance its profits. This attempt at humour is a clear result of them looking at the MCU and their figures and thinking “huh those films are funny, let’s just do that”. The jokes however wouldn’t even be found near the worst MCU film, and it just goes to show a clear misunderstanding of the text they’re adapting from, Venom is meant to be scary, not whatever unfunny mess we got. Not to say they couldn’t have made me funny but if you’re going to make him funny… then make him funny.
The film is also riddled with plot holes, and with a tight 90-minute runtime you’d think someone would’ve spotted them but no this is a money machine not a film. Alongside these numerous plot holes is just some of the dumbest shit I’ve ever seen in a film. Before I get into the bad, I’ll hand it to them, the Mulligan reveal that he was the cop who shot Shriek was a bit of a shock (I’m really grasping at straws though). But now for the bad, I thought it’d be fun to give you some of my favourite plot hole/wtf moments from this masterpiece of a film:
– When Eddie visits Cletus before he’s going to be executed, Venom attacks him in broad daylight, then Cletus bites Eddie and talks about how his blood tastes different. YET Carnage nor the security guard who was sitting in the room mentions the fact that they just saw a massive tendril fly out of Eddie. They literally know he’s Venom and never say anything.
– Cletus for some reason wants to keep talking to Eddie and requests him to interview him and we find out that they never have a backstory. Also, it’s super weird that this prolific serial killer is allowed to make requests like that.
– Cletus is only going to be executed after Eddie found the bodies yet he was still tried and found guilty so why does evidence confirming what they already deemed right mean that his sentence changes and he’s sent for execution.
– When Eddie first goes to see Cletus, his room is open with all his scratching on the wall (also why would he have put all the important locations on the wall) and EDDIE the supposed incredible journalist is going to walk away and VENOM this weird alien who’s been on Earth for a few months is one to say “that stuff might be useful”, guess Venom went to Journalism school on his planet.
– The stupid Venom speed drawing
– The fact that Carnage apparently has his own internet inside him that he can access on a computer by fingering the ports
– Venom and Eddie having to “escape” at the end cause they’re going to be hunted despite the one cop who was looking into Eddie for the events of the first film now being dead
– Venom killing a lot of people as he transferred from body to body when he left Eddie and it’s never picked up on and even worse the movie decides to play stupid, goofy music over those scenes.
– Anne invites Eddie to dinner at the same place they had date night to tell Eddie she’s engaged and gets annoyed that Eddie isn’t massively happy for her
I could keep going but I’ll stop because it makes me sad. Another thing that’s bound to make you sad in this movie is seeing Academy level actors give performances that belong on the Disney Channel, and honestly that’s being generous. Tom Hardy is atrocious, he’s bafflingly bad, from his god-awful accent that sounds like a 3 year old who hasn’t learned how to speak properly yet to he’s general persona. Eddie Brock isn’t a real person, the way he acts in this film is so cartoony I don’t know how he functions as a human.
Let’s also mention the amazing supporting cast. Michelle Williams, who just flat out doesn’t need to be in this film, literally contributes nothing but a foil for Eddie at the end that feels like a plot point ripped from the pages of the first draft of a 2004 superhero film. Woody Harrelson at least has some fun with his role I guess, the lines he’s fed are awful and so are his wigs, but he was having a good time. BUT Naomie Harris. I don’t know what went wrong. Harris has a horrific accent, one that could rival Tom Hardy’s for worst voice work, that makes her sound so childish and not threatening at all. Granted she had the worst out of the bunch to work with, her lines are a crime to screenwriting, but her performance paired with the writing just made for a completely unbearable character.
It’s upsetting to me that this pile of shit was made as a clear cash grab and it’s making money yet original ideas like The Last Duel are bombing at the box office. I think it would be different if this was a decently made film with an intention to be entertaining, smart, cinematic while also making money. But this is just disappointing for what can be classed as a Hollywood blockbuster now. Andy Serkis I’m so sad. Let me finish my review with some of my favourite lines of the film though:
Venom: “You just need to pull up your big boy pants and take it.
Eddie: Well that’s easy for you to say.
Venom: Why?
Eddie: Because I’m a ReAl BoY, and you’re just an amoeba.
Venom: “I am out of the Eddie closet!”
Anne: “VeNoM?!?” (There’s one scene Anne said Venom so weirdly is made me properly laugh)
The whole Anne and Mrs Chen scene. Everything about it.
Spoilers
–
–
–
–
–
I hate the post-credit scene. I don’t want to see Tom Hardy’s Venom in the MCU unless Sony have nothing to do with it. I think it’s so weird too that Venom is obsessed with Peter Parker because… he saw him on a TV? It was so disappointing to me, and I hope either the MCU completely retcon him or don’t mention him at all.
